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Responding to Adversity With Chesed: What We Can Learn from the Weeping of Yosef and Binyamin

Parshas Vayigash, pasuk 45:14, states that, after disclosing his identity to his brothers, Yosef fell upon the neck of Binyamin and wept, while Binyamin wept upon the neck of Yosef.

Rashi comments that Yosef was weeping over the destruction of the two Batei Mikdash to be built in Binyamin's portion of Eretz Yisroel, while Binyamin was weeping over the destruction of the mishkan in Shiloh destined to be built in Yosef's portion.

The sefer Parperaot L'Torah cites the following question of the Chasidic master, R' Yechezkel MiKuzmir: Why did Yosef cry over the destruction of the Batei Mikdash in Binyamin's portion, and Binyamin cry over the destruction of the mishkan in Yosef's portion? More logically, one would think that Yosef would cry over the destruction in his own portion while Binyamin would cry over the destruction in his own portion. Why would each instead cry over the destruction in their brother's portion?

R' Yechezkel answers that a Jew must be saddened over his friend's misfortune more than over his own misfortune. Indeed, while the gemara encourages one to accept adversity as "yissurim shel ahavah" ("troubles of love"), this does not apply to another's misfortune. Instead, one should always be saddened by another Jew's adversity.

Another answer I saw (I forget the source) is that the sin which led to the destruction of the second Beis Hamikdash was "sinat chinam" (baseless hatred). Yosef and Binyamin foresaw this and attempted to rectify this sin through "ahavat chinam" - pure love for one's fellow Jew as demonstrated by feeling sadness for another Jew's tragedy.

But I think there's an even deeper lesson here in terms of how one should react to adversity.

When someone is confronted by adversity, two reactions are possible. On the one hand, someone can react negatively with anger, and take this anger out on other people - that is, by being vindictive, irritable, etc. One might also withdraw from day-to-day life (e.g., being anti-social, non-communicative, etc.). To be sure, one who has not experienced the same adversity cannot judge another person who is in pain (until we stand in his or her shoes), but clearly a negative reaction is not a healthy one, and does not promote healing or comfort. On the contrary, it might push the person further into despair because there is no wellspring of positive feelings to counter-balance the painful ones.

On the other hand, one can react positively to adversity with chesed - that is, by reaching out to, communicating with, and helping other people. And through such chesed find comfort despite the pain of the adversity.

Reacting to adversity with chesed is a tremendous spiritual achievement. I think the idea is expressed beautifully by Viktor Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning where he describes concentration camp inmates who reacted to the horrible conditions in the camps with heroic acts. Based on his eyewitness accounts of the behavior of these people, he concludes that every person has it within his or her capacity to affirmatively choose to react positively to adversity (page 87):

"Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food, and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone. Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him -- mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp. Dostoevksi once said: "There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings." These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that this last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom -- which cannot be taken away -- that makes life meaningful and purposeful."

This, I think, is the message of the weeping of Yosef and Binyamin. Each brother foresaw suffering and destruction for his own tribe, as well as for the tribe of his brother. But instead of turning inward and focusing solely on his own tragedy, each brother turned outward, and in an act of chesed - pure love for a fellow Jew - wept for the misfortune of his brother instead of for his own.

G-d willing, none of us will experience adversity. But if Hashem decrees adversity, then we can learn from the story of Yosef's and Binyamin's weeping that we have it within our capacity to combat despair, and to promote healing and spiritual growth, by engaging in chesed, and thereby become worthy of our sufferings and advance spiritually.

And in fact, it may be, that performing acts of chesed in response to adversity may ultimately terminate the adversity once Hashem sees that we have reacted positively, and not given in to despair. In Shabbos 156a, the gemara relates that Rabbi Akiva had a daughter about whom astrologers had told him that, on her wedding day, a snake will bite her, and she will die. He was very worried about this, but tragedy was averted. On her wedding day, Rabbi Akiva's daughter took a brooch, stuck it into the wall, and by chance it penetrated into the eye of a serpent. The following morning, when she took it out, the snake came trailing after it. Thus, she was saved.

Upon hearing this miraculous story, and seeing that his daughter had not died, Rabbi Akiva wondered what zechus had saved his daughter's life and so asked her, "What did you do?" She replied: "A poor man came to our door in the evening, and everybody was busy at the banquet, and there was none to attend to him. So I took the portion which was given to me and gave it to him." "You have done a good deed," Rabbi Akiva responded to her. Thereupon R. Akiba went out and lectured: "But charity delivereth from death": and not only from an unnatural death, but from death itself."

In Letters to a Buddhist Jew (an excellent exploration of the fundamentals of Jewish faith and observance), Rabbi Akiva Tatz explains (at page 72) that the prediction of the astrologers was based on nature - what was destined to occur to the daughter was in the natural order of things. However, Rabbi Akiva's daughter acted unnaturally - "me'al hateva." That is, during a time when she could justifiably be expected to have been completely self-absorbed in her own world - it was her wedding day!!! - she transcended her own private needs, and engaged in a selfless act of chesed - driven by an unnatural awareness of a poor man's desperate need. Therefore, she was zocha to be saved through a miracle of Hashem - an intervention that was beyond nature.

It is clear why chesed should entitle a person to unnatural intervention. In our daily tefilot, as well as in Tehillim, the theme of Hashem's chesed is ubiquitous (e.g. Hashem is "gomel chasadim tovim"). Indeed, one of Hashem's Thirteen Attributes is "rav chesed." So we see that Hashem is equated with chesed.

On the other hand, the natural inclination of man is selfishness - to be absorbed in one's own troubles, needs, etc. Thus, when a person engages in chesed he or she is transcending their natural tendencies and acting unnaturally, and thereby emulating Hashem's own midda of chesed. Accordingly, they become entitled to unnatural intervention by Hashem.

Thus, to come full circle, chas v'shalom, none of us should ever suffer adversity. But in the event that we do, responding with chesed can both comfort us, and possibly even turn things around for the better.

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