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On Being Torah Role Models for Our Children

We've previously blogged about how there's no coincidences when an unusual phrase or word appears in two different places in the Torah - undoubtedly there's some message to be extracted.

An application of this idea appears in parshat Vayeshev. After learning of Yosef's apparent death, Yaakov mourns. But the mourning does not stop (after 12 months according to the Torah Temima), and so his children seek to comfort him. The Torah records Yaakov's response: "Vayema'ain l'hitnachem" - he refused to be comforted (37:35).

Where do we next see the word "Vayema'ain?" In 39:8, Potifar's wife attempts to seduce Yosef, and Yosef's response is "Vayema'ain" - he refused. It's the identical word used to describe Yaakov's refusal to be comforted. What is the connection?

On the words "Vayema'ain l'hitnachem" by Yaakov, Rashi comments: "A person cannot be comforted with respect to someone he thinks is dead but is actually still alive since it is a decree that a person who is truly dead will be forgotten from the heart, which is not the case with respect to someone who is still alive."

If so (asks the Torah Temima and other commentators), shouldn't Yaakov have realized that Yosef was still alive? The very fact that he could not be comforted should have been a sign to Yaakov that Yosef was not really dead!!! (according to Rashi's explanation).

There are various answers given, but I'd like to suggest, IMHO, that perhaps the very possibility of Yosef still being alive caused Yaakov even greater pain. Why? Because if Yosef was still alive, he may very well find himself confronted by temptations that would test the limits of his willpower. So, in fact, it was no comfort to Yaakov that Yosef might still be alive if that meant that Yosef might succumb to sin and suffer a spiritual decline.

Indeed, Rashi comments on the words "chaya ra'ah achalat'hu - a wild animal has eaten him" (37:33) that Yaakov saw, b'ruach hakodesh, that Potiphar's wife would attempt to seduce Yosef. Adds the Tzafnas Paneach on Yaakov's statement in 37:35 (cited above): "Vayema'ain lehitnachem, va'yomer ki ay'red el beni she'olah - he refused to be comforted, for he said 'I will go down to the grave mourning for my son'." - that Yaakov was here predicting (or resolving) that he would descend to she'olah (i.e., gehinnom - hell) to save his son Yosef from sin. In short, Yaakov refused to become complacent about Yosef's spirituality - he just could not countenance the fact that Yosef might succumb to sin.

Subsequently, during Yosef's encounter with Potiphar's wife, the gemara in Sotah (36b) explains that what saved Yosef from sinning was a vision of Yaakov's likeness that appeared to him, and that explained to him the severe spiritual consequences if he failed to resist the temptation (R' Brown - on his Divrei Chaim blog - also cites a Yerushalmi (Horiyos 2:5, 10a in Vilna ed) that Yosef saw the image of his mother - see further below).

In short, the "Vayema'ain" (refusal) of Yosef was the outcome of the "Vayema'ain" of Yaakov - that is, Yaakov's refusal to be comforted - to become complacent and indifferent regarding Yosef - apparently enabled Yaakov to remain available to Yosef as an inspiration to refuse to succumb to sin.

What message is there for us as parents? I saw an interesting point made by Rav Chaim Brown is his Divrei Chaim blog. R' Brown states:

"It's a simple point, but one I think that is worth spelling out: It's not a halacha in the Rambam or a law of Egypt or even a sense of morality that causes Yosef to pause.[according ot the gemara in Sotah - my addition]. All these are but minor obstacles that the yetzer hara can easily surmount. What grabs Yosef's attention is the image of Ya'akov the tzadik, Ya'akov his father. We ship our kids off to school and shul to learn and memorize rules and regulations, do's and don't's, but when push comes to shove, it's not a memorized rule that will guide their behavior -- it's dmus d'yukno of Aviv v'Imo. It's the image we present as parents that will stick in our children's minds."

More broadly, I would say the message here is that we can't become indifferent to our children's spiritual growth and development - assuming, perhaps, their schools and teachers will take care of things. We don't need ruach hakodesh to know that, at some point in the future, after our children become independent adults and start to make their own way in the world, that they will confront many temptations and nisyonos.

Before that time comes, we have myriad opportunities to make a strong impression of the right way to do things, and to serve as role models of a proper Torah lifestyle. When we become indifferent to our children's spiritual growth - e.g., we don't monitor their choices (age appropriately, of course, without being overbearing) - or serve as poor role models by engaging in activities or behavior that we would not condone in our children (which communicates hypocrisy) - then we are abandoning the precious opportunity we have to implant within our children the kind of strong spiritual foundation that will enable to resist the inevitable temptations that will confront them in adulthood. Like Yaakov, if we refuse to be indifferent or complacent when it comes to chinuch, then B"EH, our children will carry the values and messages we impart to them throughout their lives to help them make the right choices.

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