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The Lesson of Avraham and Sarah's Marriage: How Sharing and Pursuing Mutual Goals Builds Love

In parshat Chayei Sarah, Avraham approaches Efron to purchase a plot to bury his wife, Sarah. Avraham states: "Ach im ata lu shemayni, natati kesef hasadeh kach mimeni... - If you will but listen to me, I am giving you coins for the field, take them from me..." (23:13) - on which the gemara (Kiddushin 2a) comments: from here we learn that the word "kicha" refers to an acquisition using money as consideration ("ein kicha ela b'kesef").

Famously, this exegesis has practical significance in the realm of contracting marriages. Commenting on the pasuk "ki yikach ish isha" in parshat Ki Tetzei (24:1), the gemara (Kiddushin 4b) refers back to the aforementioned pasuk from Chayei Sarah (teaching that "ein kicha ela b'kesef"), and concludes that a marriage may be consummated using money (or an object of monetary value) ("isha nikneit b'kesef").

Unfortunately, the use of the term "acquisition" to describe the contracting of a marriage has been the source of much misunderstanding among those unfamiliar with the Torah's view of marriage. As we will see, the use of the phrase "kicha" to describe the consummation of a marriage alludes to the potential within marriage for the deepest levels of love and friendship.

Insight into the use of the word "acquisition" to describe the consummation of a marriage can be gained from Rambam's explanation of the mishnah in Pirkei Avos (1:6) - "Rav Yehoshua ben Perachia says: 'Make for yourself a rabbi; and acquire for yourself a friend; and judge every person favorably." Commenting on the directive "acquire for yourself a friend," Rambam explains:

And he [Yehoshua ben Perachiah] also said: “Acquire for yourself a friend.” He did not say, “Make for yourself a friend,” or, “Befriend other people.” He specifically used the term “acquisition,” by which he intended to teach that a person must acquire someone who will love him, who will help him function properly in his deeds and in all his matters . . . [Thus, the connotation of the “acquisition” is that] if you cannot [readily] find someone who will love you, you must make an effort with all your heart [to “acquire” such a friend] — even if you have to [actively] draw love out of the other person. [To accomplish this] you must consistently assist him to bring his aspirations to fruition, until his affection for you is strengthened. This is as the ethical masters say: “When you love, do not love according to your own traits, but according to the traits of your beloved.” When each of the friends is intent on bringing his fellow’s aspirations to fruition, it is beyond doubt that their mutual intent will become a unified entity.

Two key points emerge from this Rambam. First, Rambam explains that the term "acquisition" is meant to teach us about the importance of friendship, and the intensity with which one should pursue it. That is, friendship is so critical to an individual's well-being that he should pursue it relentlessly (much as a merchant would pursue a profitable business transaction) until he succeeds in finding a friend who will reciprocate his love. This is similar to the thought expressed in Mesilat Yesharim with respect to "yiras Hashem." Commenting on Mishlei 2:4-5 - "If you seek it as [you would] silver, and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand fear of Hashem," Rav Moshe Chaim Luzzatto explains that in order to achieve yiras Hashem, one must seek it out as he would search for silver and other treasures. The metaphor of wealth is used to illustrate the extent of the effort one must invest in spiritual pursuits.

Second, the Rambam explains that the secret to securing a lasting, meaningful friendship is helping another person achieve their aspirations. As Rambam elaborates later in the same discussion, the highest form of love between friends occurs when two friends share common goals, and each one helps the other to achieve their goals.

How does this tie into marriage? Allow me to suggest the following. At a bris mila, one of the prayers recited following the mila is "keshem she'nichnas l'bris, kayn yi'kanes l'torah, chuppa u'ma'asim tovim - just as [the baby boy] has entered into the covenant, so too shall he should enter into Torah, marriage and good deeds." IMHO, this prayer identifies the outcomes that result from the three pursuits identified by Rav Yehoshua ben Perachia in the mishna in Pirkei Avos discussed above: a rav, a friend, and judging people favorably. Finding a rav will ensure growth in Torah, seeking a "friend" will lead to a happy marriage, and judging people favorably is the foundation of chesed, i.e., good deeds (i.e., because one is always sympathizing with other people's situations instead of criticizing).

Let's focus on the "finding a friend." What we learn from Rav Yehoshua is that the attitude one must have when pursuing marriage is that I am looking for someone who will be my best friend for life. And as Rambam explained, achieving this level of friendship and love means being prepared to invest time and effort in helping your spouse attain his or her most cherished goals.

These thoughts are developed by Rav Yaacov and Sue Deyo (of Aish HaTorah) in their book, Speed Dating (which, btw, sounds like a yuppie manual, but is actually an incredibly insightful presentation on dating from a Torah perspective). Echoing the Rambam, the Deyos explain that "giving" builds love when the giver intends to help the recipient attain his or her goals (page 49). Of course, the Deyos explain, such giving is challenging (if not impossible) if one does not respect the other person's goals, i.e., their direction in life. As such, when dating a particular individual, the Deyos recommend that people ask themselves this question: "Can I see myself giving to this person for the rest of my life -- do I see in this person such a vista of potential that I want to spend the rest of my life helping to make him or her great?" If the answer is yes, then the foundation is present for a wonderful marriage in which each spouse will view the other as their "best friend" - a person, as the Rambam says, to whom one can entrust their soul, and with whom one can share their deepest secrets without fear of harm or ridicule.

See also Rav Dessler's discourse on "giving" in Strive for Truth, Part I, starting at page 19.

Based on these sources, the use of the term "acquisition" to describe marriage is now clear. Essentially, building a strong marriage takes hard work - it means constant giving - for a lifetime. Stated differently, marriage is an "investment" of one's being in another. But the outcome is so fulfilling that it is worth pursuing with as much effort (if not more) as a merchant invests in pursuing profitable business transactions.

It is no coincidence that these lessons emerge from the story of Avraham acquiring a cemetery plot for Sarah. The Torah and midrashim are replete with stories demonstrating that Avraham and Sarah shared a common goal to which they dedicated their lives - to bring others to belief in Hashem - and that each supported the other in their attainment of this goal through continued self-sacrifice and "giving." Avraham's last act of love for Sarah - securing a proper burial plot - thus represents the culmination of a lifetime of dedication to helping Sarah reach her highest potential in pursuit of their common goal.

In sum, there can be no question that the marriage of Avraham and Sarah represents the ideal to which all couples should aspire as stand under the chuppa and prepare to enter into marriage - a lifetime of "giving" that helps each spouse reach their highest potential.

(further food for thought: Rav Hirsch has observed that the root of "ahavah" - love - is "hav", which means to give. It's also been noted that the gematria of the letters forming the word "echad" are the same as "ahavah" - 13).

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